So I was chatting with the Christmas Genie the other morning when he handed me a very official looking document.
“What’s this?” I asked without bothering to read any of it.
“Well you could always read it” he sighed.
“Nah, best if you just tell me really.”
“Well, we within the Genie Guild have amended our traditional ‘Three Wishes and You Are Out’ policy to one that we feel is more in keeping with our stakeholders aspirations.”
“I don’t like the sound of that” I said frowning.
“Well turn that frown upside down because what we now offer is specifically tailored to each individual stakeholder, creating a bespoke wish list based on extensive data analysis and demographic research.”
“So I no longer get three wishes?”
“It’s even better! You now get five!”
“That is better!”
“With the mild caveat that these five wishes are limited to a particular area of interest”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that we’ve found our stakeholders to be strangely unfocused when it comes to making wishes and that creates extensive administration costs for Genie Central. So, by streamlining the process, we are now able to offer two more wishes but within more tightly controlled parameters”.
I looked at him blankly.
“You get five wishes but only within an area designated by our state of the art software.”
“So in what area do I get my wishes?”
“The Vancouver Whitecaps!” he exclaimed with a generous sweep of his arm “Our state of the art software has assigned you five specific areas in which you can make a wish vis-a-vis the Whitecaps”.
“It all sounds a little bit limiting”.
“It is, but in a good way. And the worst case scenario is that you can turn it into a blog post at a time when literally nothing is happening in the world of the Whitecaps”
“Genie! You’re a genius!”
“That’s where the word comes from” he lied.
Here then, for the record, were my five Vancouver Whitecaps wishes for 2017.
If you could sign any player in the world who would it be? Forget the likes of Messi, Ronaldo and O’Shea. If I had the pick of anybody I’d bring in Luis Suarez.
Granted his character has been somewhat questionable but boy does he work hard on the field and probably no current player makes those around him better to the extent that Suarez does.
He can also kick the ball into the net which is a skill the Whitecaps have been lacking of late.
If you could have one coach to coach the Whitecaps who would it be?- It would be hugely entertaining to watch a Klopp or a Conte on the sidelines at BC Place but I worry that they may struggle with the vagaries of the MLS squad structure.
So I pick Carlo Ancelotti. Not only does the avuncular Italian have family ties in Vancouver but he’s a coach who doesn’t impose his own style on a team but rather adapts his style to the players available to him.
Ancelotti would be the ideal MLS coach.
If you could change one thing about BC Place what would it be?- A grass pitch. Not because I hate the turf that much but just to take the mention of turf out of every discussion.
Player A gets injured. Turf!. Player B doesn’t sign. Turf! Player C hits the post. Turf!
The fact that the last two MLS Cup winners also play on turf is irrelevant to this argument; it’s always the turf that is to blame.
If you could change anything about the game day experience what would it be?- Free beer!
But failing that a little less of the in-game promos. I get that the club has to satisfy the sponsors but I don’t want to hear their names blasted through the speaker system and on to the big screen while our right back is struggling with the basic concepts of physics.
If you could change anything about the Whitecaps schedule what would it be?- Well; it would be nice to actually have it at least a month earlier since many fans base their vacations around the team.
But if not that then one which created a rhythm to the season. Less of the home, home, home, road, road, road, road thing and more of the home, road, home, road, home, road thing.
So they were my five wishes as designated by Genie Central.
I wonder which ones will come true in 2017?