Editor: I need five hundred words on Cavalry against the Whitecaps. Stat!
Me: Wait, do you want words or stats?
Editor: Stop using stupid jokes to up your word count. Give me the copy now.
Me: The copy of what?
Editor: Your resignation letter if you don’t do it sharpish.
Me: But nothing happened.
Editor: Something must have happened!
Me: But it didn’t. Literally nothing happened throughout the whole game.
Editor: We don’t pay you the big bucks to come up with nothing. Think man!
Me: Well, there was horse.
Editor: Yes, yes, yes! That’s good, an animal. People love reading about animals.
Me: It got a bit lively.
Editor: During the game?
Me: No, before. During the anthem.
Editor: Wait! So this horse disrespected the Canadian national anthem?
Me: Well….
Editor: You’re saying it disrespected the anthem and looked as though it were about to charge into the spectators?
Me: That’s not really how it….
Editor: Sounds like a pre-planned attack. How many other horses were there?
Me: Quite a few. The team name is Cavalry so it’s sort of their thing.
Editor: So a group of horses gathered at an iconic Canadian sporting venue and were only thwarted from making an all out assault on the spectators thanks to the heroic actions of a single rider?
Me: I mean…
Editor: Try and get a quote from a Government official. Ask them what plans they have in place to stop this increasingly dangerous equine menace.
Me: I don’t think that’s necessary or the appropriate reaction to what was really an incredibly minor incident.
Editor: It’s either that or write abut the game?
Me: I’ll get right on it.
Editor: Good man! I always said you were the finest of the lot of us.
Me: Wait a minute.
Editor: What now?
Me: I don’t have an editor.
Editor: Don’t be ridiculous man. I’m right here.
Me: No you aren’t.
Editor: Yes I am.
Me: No you aren’t.
Editor: Yes I am.
Me: No you aren’t.
Editor: Look, I see what you’re doing here. You’re just using up your word count by repeating the same phrases over and over and over and over and and over and over.
Me: (Sniggers)
Editor: What’s happening? Why am I repeating the same phrases over and over again? Tell me! Why am I repeating the same phrases over and over again?
Me: Because you aren’t real.
Editor: Nonsense!
Me: It’s true. I can make you say anything I want you to say.
Editor: Absolute rubbish. You can make me say anything you want me to say. Wait! What was that? Why did I say that?
Me: I made you say it. I control everything about you.
Editor: This is most disturbing. But what a great story. Forget the game and the horses! We will run with “Imaginary editor demands player ratings for a game that everybody who watched it will already have forgotten”.
Me: That’s better.
Editor: You really are great you know? Stop making me say things! You are so wonderful. Stop it at once and give me those player ratings!
Me: Okay, okay. Calm down
Editor: So sorry about that honey bun. Stop this now and remove me from this godforsaken reality immediately!!
Me: Done.
Time for the Soccer Shorts player ratings.
Crepeau-6*, Sutter-5, Adnan-5.5, Godoy-5, Henry-4.5, Cornelius-4.5, Felipe-4, Teibert-4, Rose-4, Reyna-5, Montero-3.5 (PC-4.5)
Soccer Shorts (The Director's Cut) 