Soccer Shorts (The Director's Cut)

Strange to think that by nine o’clock tonight we will know all there is to know about how the 2021 season will pan out for the Vancouver Whitecaps. But, while we wait for this slew of knowledge to be downloaded into our brains, let’s take some time to think about what we need from the team this year.

People often come up to me in the street and say “What we, the general public, want to read about is three fairly abstract things that will make the team better this season. We, the general public, would like that very much”.

So here is the answer to this oft asked query.

Understand how numbers work– The Whitecaps seem to be labouring under the mistaken belief that three points at the start of the season aren’t as important as three points near the end.

Time after time a team like the Philadelphia Union (And, in MLS, about forty percent of the teams are “like the Philadelphia Union”) will arrive at BC Place for the first game of the campaign with a weakened team that features the Assistant Kit Manager’s fifteen year old son playing on the wing and an inflatable kayak in the holding midfield role and Vancouver will fold like a cheap suit.

Four games later they will have two points, already be five points off the playoffs, but spend all their time talking about the need to settle in the new players and adapt to the new system.

Come season end there will be a desperate attempt to win the last three games in a futile attempt to sneak into the last playoff place.

Maybe treat the opening games as seriously as the closing ones?

No excuses- “Player A hasn’t got a visa sorted”, “Players B and C are injured”, “Player D needs time to adapt to MLS”.

You know what? Cry me a river.

The Whitecaps unspoken Mission Statement since they moved to MLS has effectively been “It’s not our fault!”

And that lack of sense of responsibility has seeped down onto the field and become toxic. Give professional athletes an excuse for their failings and, nine times out of ten, they will embrace it.

The team need to play the hand they are dealt and stop leaning on the crutch of what might have been.

Stick to the plan- The most disappointing aspect of Marc Dos Santos’ tenure has been his flip flopping on how he sets up the team to play. Always just two games away from changing to a new system without giving the current one time to bed in.

If he fails this year then it’s hard to see him sticking around for another season, so best to fail on the thing he actually believes in than on a desperate attempt to chase success based on the latest tactical whim or random good performance by Player E.

It would also be great if the Whitecaps signed some players with last names rather than just letters, but we are where we are.

See you on the other side of the Portland game.

Hey there! We appreciate the support 💙 there are no plans to have fans in attendance for our games down south at the moment, but if that changes we’ll be sure to make an announcement.

— Vancouver Whitecaps FC (@WhitecapsFC) April 2, 2021

Chancing upon the Twitter exchange above the other day couldn’t help but send a frisson of anxiety pulsing through my synapses. A feeling akin to seeing a significant other surreptitiously flirting with Chad from Marketing at the annual office Pot Luck.

But, always wanting to be the adult in the room, I didn’t waste my time on pointless angst and idle imaginings. I simply called the Whitecaps directly to clarify the situation. And, for the benefit of posterity, I have transcribed the details of the call below.

ME: Hi.

VW: Hi.

Me: Just wanted to check how the flight went and that you’re settling in in Utah.

VW: Thanks so much! Yes all good so far.

ME: Good to know. I see you’ve started to make friends with the locals.

VW: What?

ME: I saw the tweets between you and a Salt Lake fan and I think it’s good that you’ve wasted absolutely no time in making new friends.

VW: …….

ME: Still there?

VW: Is that what this call is about?

ME: What do you mean?

VW: Are you calling to check up on us?

ME: Of course not!

VW: Because we really can’t do this right now.

ME: Do what?

VW: This.

ME: …..

VW: You know how hard it was for us in Florida last year right? Isolated and away from everybody.

ME: Of course I do. And I supported you through that.

VW: Sure you did.

ME: What does that mean?

VW: It means that sarcastic tweets and passive aggressive blog posts don’t always come across as supportive.

ME: Passive aggressive?

VW: Yes. Passive aggressive.

ME: Well, I don’t know about passive aggressive, but I wish your passing was more aggressive. You might score more goals.

VW: There we go! You always have to bring it back to the passing don’t you? Every time!

ME: It’s important! Anyway, it’s not just the passing. It’s the getting people into the box as well. I mention that a lot too.

VW: We noticed.

ME: I’m trying to help.

VW: But it doesn’t help. How do you think it makes us feel?

ME: Well, I’m not sure but..

VW: And we know that you watch Premier League and Champions League games when we’re not around.

ME: Everybody does that!

VW: Exactly. You’re just like all the rest. Sometimes it feels as though you don’t support us for who we are, but for who you want us to be. And we just can’t be that team. We’ll never be that team.

ME: Well, I didn’t mean to upset you and….

VW Look, we’re tired. We’ve got a lot going on. And I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from you. Just so that we can re-focus and get ourselves together again.

ME: But you’re coming back right?

VW: Of course we’re coming back! Why do you have to be so suspicious all the time?

ME: Well I’ve heard stories about teams going to other cities and never coming back. So I’m worried.

VW: We’re coming back. We just need space to ourselves to figure some things out.

ME: Okay if that’s how you feel. Should I call you again?

VW: We’d prefer it if you didn’t.

ME: I’ll write though.

VW: You don’t have to.

ME: No, I really don’t mind. I’ll write after every game and let you know what I thought of it. That way you’ll know all the things you’ve been doing wrong and that will help you to……hello? Hello?

At that stage the line went dead. Probably symptomatic of the poor infrastructure that America is blighted with after decades of under investment.

Safe to say though that I helped to ease the situation and put everybody’s minds at ease.

I’m old enough to remember when the release of the Whitecaps schedule meant scrolling through the list of games and considering the questions surrounding them.

In what specific way had MLS made travelling to Portland and Seattle difficult this season? Is there the chance of a weekend in Denver? A midweek trip to Sandy, Utah?

This year a visit to Austin would probably be high on many a wish list, but I’m also old enough to remember when the Whitecaps played their games in Canada so am content to make my wish lists more prosaic than doing things like travelling to new places or going to actual games.

My three wishes for the season then you ask? Fair enough.

Erik Godoy stays fit- Godoy is one of those players you don’t really notice until he gets a clever yellow card in the eighty-fifth minute. But he’s also one of those players who makes those around him better.

Whether he gets paired with Veselinovic (a young player with what feels like significant potential) or Cornelius (a young player who did all that was asked of him and more last year) the presence of Godoy will give the Whitecaps a level of confidence at the back they were lacking far too often in 2020.

Caio Alexandre turns out be a genuine Number 8- While others pine for a Number 10, I while away the hours pondering how much better the Whitecaps would be with a “proper” number 8.

A player who arrives at the edge of the area to fire home a scuffed clearance. Who pounces on a goalkeepers parry to fire the ball unceremoniously into the roof of the net.

It could be argued that most midfielders in the modern game are a default mix of the number 8 and number 6 anyway, but the whole identity of the Whitecaps in recent years seems to have been built around the lack of attacking players in the box so, for now, a traditional number 8 will do just fine.

Lucas Cavallini comes good- What we learned last season is that Cavallini is a forward not a goal scorer. He wants to score goals but he doesn’t need to score them.

His overall contribution is based around work rate rather than his finishing, but this season he should (hopefully) get the kind of service he needs from both flanks and (hopefully) he won’t be playing in a team that considers counterattack the only form of attack.

His stats suggest he’s a one goal in three games player as his default setting, but Vancouver probably need an uptick on that if he’s to justify his existence.

When I eventually die and go to hell I’ve no doubt that one the first levels of torture I’ll be forced to endure will be an endless loop of those god awful clips that DAZN airs between games and at half-time.

While the flames lick at my heels, my eyelids will be forced open while Gary Neville talks to a monotone and monosyllabic Paul Scholes, or two badly groomed men shout at each other over a Zoom call about whether corner flags should be square or rectangular for the rest of eternity.

The current iteration of the genre features James Rodriguez trying to encapsulate the talent of Dennis Bergkamp in the allotted thirty-eight seconds but, astonishingly, James does get to say something interesting.

The Colombian announces the demise of the “number ten” as not fit for purpose in the modern game.

I suppose it’s possible that he’s doing this solely to troll those in the Whitecaps fanbase who seem to believe that the answer to all the ills of the team is said number ten but, more likely, he’s just reflecting a fairly obvious truth that has been acknowledged for more than a few years.

The traditional number ten is no more, he has ceased to be, he is bereft of life, he rests in peace and is an ex-footballer.

The romance lingers on however. The yearning for a mercurial presence just behind the striker, pulling the strings and pushing the ball between defenders is a tantalizing prospect for those deprived of even a semblance of footballing imagination in recent years.

After all, there are only so many times a human being can watch a ball bounce haplessly away from another human being’s foot before the spectacle begins to induce a certain ennui.

But what the Whitecaps need isn’t a saviour in the form of a languid playmaker. They need a consistent system that isn’t reliant on the ability, or health, of an individual. A system that runs at speed both backwards and forwards. A system that acknowledges current reality.

When he arrived in Vancouver, about eight lifetimes ago, that was the plan for Marc Dos Santos. But circumstance and what seems like a lack of self-belief reduced the team to facsimiles of that idea. Always hamstrung by caution and the inability to stick to any kind of method for more than a few games in succession.

Maybe that won’t change this year? Maybe the Whitecaps are destined to be prisoners of their own misfortune? Always one hamstring away from disaster. Always one defeat away from reinvention.

But don’t let the sugar rush of signing a number ten be the hill they choose to die on.

Don’t base the season on a thing as anachronistic as a rotary dial on a smart phone, a TV Guide in world of streaming.

“Traditional” and “artisanal” should be words we associate with street markets and cheese. Not the major signing of a professional sports team..

I live in a village now.

Strange that it would take a global event to limit our lives to the local. To lower our horizons to two or three blocks.

But in days like this the coffee shop knows my order, the bar knows my beer, the store knows I don’t need a bag and ID is no longer required when collecting a parcel from the post office.

They know me and I know them.

But not really.

All we really know are the three dimensional avatars that drift in and out of each others lives from time to time.

But that’s enough to create a connection. A shared experience. A common thread.

So maybe the Whitecaps were on to something with their “It Takes a Village” marketing campaign? Maybe they were right to try and turn the the team into an emblem for belonging?

But then the world changed and a connection got severed.

How could it not?

We were all so busy burying our heads in our own lives that we didn’t have the energy (physical/emotional) to spare for a team that barely even played in Vancouver.

That wasn’t their fault. But the necessary distance this year and the constant change of personnel over the last two has made it hard to to turn the majority of the team into those three dimensional avatars we need them to be.

Ali Adnan has been around long enough for us to know that he will argue with anybody while a game is ongoing and we know that Russell Teibert will listen to the coach’s instructions with all the sombre seriousness of a toddler trying to button up a raincoat.

But Bikel, Veselinovic and Owusu?

We barely know them outside of pixels on a screen and disheartening heat maps.

All the indications from the club are that there will be less turnover of the squad in preparation for next season and, while that may be a disputable decision from a footballing perspective, it’s almost essential in terms of a sense of kinship.

In an ideal world we love the players in our team, in a good world we root for them and in an acceptable world we hate them for the pain they cause.

It’s a cruel world in which we don’t even know who they are.