The news that the BBC have announced Jodie Whittaker (A woman!) to play the role of the thirteenth Doctor Who means two things.
Firstly, it’s probably best to avoid Twitter for a while as many “traditionalists” will be undergoing a collective meltdown.
Secondly (And far more importantly) it also means that the BBC seem to have rejected my idea for a new time travelling hero “Doctor Today! (It’s always today where he is)”.
But never mind for I will now be pitching a series of scripts for the new Doctor based around characters in Major League Soccer.
The crossover potential is huge and should also enable the BBC to tap into a whole new demographic of transatlantic sports fans.
I don’t want to give too much away at the moment but here are just a few of the villains the new Doctor will be encountering in the upcoming season.
The Dempsey- Raised in the mining caves of the planet Thworg the Dempsey are a sullen and hollow-eyed race of slow-witted workers who unexpectedly stumble upon the plans to a cyber technology that will transform them into unstoppable killing machines.
Too stupid to realize this however they immediately tear up these plans and go back to working in the caves.
In the final scene the Doctor makes a moving speech about how humanity can still be found in even the simplest of alien life forms before blowing up the whole planet and sending the Dempsey into sweet, sweet oblivion.
The Bradley– A super race of dome-headed killers from the planet Thwug the Bradley hound the Doctor to the very edges of time itself, constantly complaining about her decision to park the Tardis a little bit to the left of where the Bradley thought it should be.
The Doctor eventually defeats the Bradley by using her Sonic Screwdriver to remove their vocal chords thus taking away their sole reason to exist.
The Teibert- Perhaps the most terrifying of all the Doctor’s new foes the Teibert are a shape-shifting race of mind-melders from the planet Thwog.
The Doctor’s attempts to interrogate the Teibert on why they are so hell-bent on destroying the universe receives nothing but the bone chilling and soulless reply “That question is canceled” over and over again.
The younger kids will be having nightmares after this one.
The Porter- The Porter are an obnoxious and paranoid race from the planet Thwag. Their constant attempts to ingratiate themselves with species of a higher intellect provides one of the more comic episodes of the new season.
And the final scene in which the Doctor rebuffs an attempted high-five from the Porter should be a gift to GIF makers for many a year to come.
The Robinson- The Robinson are a race of super androids created by the former rulers of the planet Thwig many light years ago.
But the Thwig civilization has long since perished and the Robinson programming has now degraded to such a degree that they are only able to utter a few random and meaningless phrases.
“Fine lines”, “This will make us stronger” and “You have to get that right” are just a few of the catchphrases destined to be chanted in the playgrounds of Britain in 2018.
The Doctor finally defeats the Robinson by changing her plan of attack halfway through the episode.
There will be more updates on the new Doctor and MLS crossover franchise accord as they become available, but don’t forget to also look out for the Doctor’s new companion VAR, a sentient computer system who somehow manages to get far more things wrong than he really should.